health

And through light, darkness is clearer

It's life Jim, but not as we know it, Uncategorized, , , , , , , , , Leave a comment

First things first, this photo is actually from the previous holiday in which I started to feel that the black dog was starting to gnaw upon my doors once more.  I’ve known for a while that the signs of depression were creeping ever closer but I have been in utter denial.  Partially because I’ve been in the metaphorical hole so many times that I was sure that falling back in was impossible and partially, in all honesty, because I’m stubborn as fuck.  I have a tendency towards depression.  Always have.  Just writing those words makes me want to punish myself somehow but it’s true and always will be, no matter how many times I pretend to the contrary.  It’s a part of my make-up, these misfiring neural pathways and somehow I’m trying to own them.

I’m just back from a joyous few days in Portugal with an old friend who I knew I could trust with a bit of a meltdown and who wouldn’t judge.  I flew out with my daughter and was greeted with warm hugs and understanding and for the first time in over two years was able to fall asleep in someone’s arms.  It was so beautiful and relaxing and emotional to actually allow myself to just be held and sleep.  And that’s how the rest of the days progressed; playing with my daughter and beach trips galore followed by friend therapy, hugs and wine in the evening.  It took me all of 12 hours to start crying on him.  Sometimes, when you’re low, kindness is the thing that tips you over the edge…

Anyway, I must have known that this was coming as at some point, about a week ago, I got back in touch with my therapist who saw me through an extremely tough few years a long while ago.  In these times of black, she is almost the only person I trust and certainly the only person I feel I can legitimately sob to for an hour.  And that’s what I did today, on full moon, on Beltane on this turn of seasons and pagan festival of yore, I bawled my wee eyes out until we had a mini action plan and we had laughed that basically all I need to do for a modicum of sanity is plant some lettuce.  Sometimes what you need is really fucking simple.

Not that I’m saying lettuce is the answer to all psychological problems because you know, that would be ridiculous but actually, is there any situation that isn’t at least a little improved by getting your hands in earth and growing something?…  The thing is, I’m really happy as a mother.  I love my daughter, I love being able to spend this part of her early life with her and I’m grateful for every giggle and every snuggle.  I’ve just lost myself as an individual and have somehow allowed all of my tendencies to expect failure as standard to re-permeate my existence.  I have no job, I have no lover and I can’t even grow a fucking lettuce!

So, today, I see in Beltane with a whisky in hand and a tear in my eye and I pray that the blossoms of spring will carry me with them as they turn to the light and radiate it from within.  I search for surety within this flux, to know that I can reroute these neural pathways once again and to believe that I am worthy and I am enough and to run with the dreams I have and to believe that they too, are enough.  So for now, I’m taking all the Bach remedies that seem appropriate, sitting in lotus and drinking my national spirit and trying to access the strengths of ages past.  I do believe that recovery is entirely possible, perhaps it’s just time to accept that I need to balance potential relapse into my future.

Darkness is just the other side of light, it’s what comes before dreams…

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Put down that banana!

It's life Jim, but not as we know it, , , , , , Leave a comment

Maybe it was inevitable I would end up writing about food at some point.  I have a mixed relationship with food.  Well, maybe that’s not quite true.  It might be fairer to say I have a complex relationship with food due to various associations and experiences but I truly love to eat.  I love to experiment in the kitchen, I don’t think I’ve ever viewed a recipe a a set of rules, more as vague guidelines from which to fly freely.

Sometimes it works out.  Sometimes it doesn’t.  A bit like life.  But every failure teaches you something… I will never again mistake bananas for plantains after the sweet garlic bananas of ’06.  And every success teaches you something…dates and nuts, just say yes kids.  But, in the kitchen as in life, experimentation is key to learning what you like and how to get there.

I’m having a green smoothie for dinner most nights at the moment, partially because I don’t really have the time to cook, partially because I’m trying to lose some of the baby weight and partially because it is one of the easiest ways to up my vegetable intake on a daily basis.  I’ve been stuck in a smoothie rut.  Every day the same blend of spinach, celery, cucumber, pear, passion fruit, a half banana, some fruit juice and some additions of barleygrass, cacao, hemp and brewer’s yeast.  This is a delicious combination and especially good if you have the fear of the ‘green’ taste as the banana pretty much overpowers even the meanest of greens.

But yesterday a friend broke me out of my rut.  With coriander!  And I feel amazing and excited and my brain is fired up with new combinations to try.  I’ve put parsley in my smoothies before as it’s meant to have detoxifying benefits but never even considered coriander.  Considering I always have it in my fridge (or dying in a plant pot…) and I love it, I’m surprised it’s never occurred to me to utilise it.  I know some people hate it so this won’t work for everyone but for me it added a beautiful, almost citrus flavour to the veg. I’m also now adding almond butter for a little extra protein and minerals.

So, my new recipe, to be viewed also as an evolving guideline and not as a set of rules is;

Spinach, celery, cucumber, pak choi, chard, kale, red pepper, passion fruit, coriander, nut butter and fruit juice.  And the previous additions of random powders.

And not a banana in sight!

And it’s so yummy.  Granted, perhaps a bit more ‘green’ tasting but really yummy none the less.  And coriander is meant to be excellent for skin conditions so maybe it can help with my eczema too.

For the record, I do love a good banana but I have a whole one with my breakfast every morning and it feels good to be breaking out of the shackles of the yellow fruit.

Who would have thought that something as simple as changing your smoothie recipe could be so invigorating?

Leap out of the rut people.

Tear up the rulebook.

Get rid of your own impositions upon yourself.

And fly my pretties, fly!